**WARNING – VENT SESSION!**
Just thought I would give warning as this post is going to be so random and all over the place – if anything you may get a good laugh at how ridiculous I will probably sound…
I think months of frustration & being overwhelmed have finally taken their toll and I’m just ready to explode! It’s just one of those days when the smallest thing can happen, leading to an uproar of emotions & reactions. I feel like for so long I have tried to be upbeat and positive when, in reality, I’m just breaking down. Lately, I find it more exhausting to be fake than to be the real me (which involves being depressed). I find I would like to go through more days just being left alone to be how I want to be – not wanting to get out of bed and be allowed to just have a bad day. Each morning I “awake” (insomnia is a bitch) to mostly pain and discomfort that usually progresses throughout the day. I step on a scale that seems to ONLY move upwards even though I just killed myself at the gym for an hour the night before in hopes of scaling my weight back. I take pills that are supposed to bring me relief, follow the doctor’s orders and for what???
NOTHING!!!
In making every effort to get back to the old me, I have come to the stark realization that that can never be. If any of you have ever come to this realization (I mean really) you can empathize with the profound sadness this can bring. I understand that people’s lives change everyday – they are given news that can forever change their life. Like I’ve mentioned before, small changes and adjustments have been made to deal with living with a chronic illness but gosh darn it – it SUCKS, it just really SUCKS! Many people won’t get it and may just see me as a complainer or feeling sorry for myself and to them I extend my all important finger at them. I’d gladly trade places with them if they think they could handle it soooo much better! I’d love to know how they deal with joint pain so bad I’d rather sever my limb because that would bring me more relief, or stepping outside in the sun and feeling like I’m being stabbed simultaneously with millions of needles, having an intolerance to cold or slowly losing your ability to do or enjoy the things you use to. And while I’m thankful that I don’t have any organ involvement (yet), dealing with these things on a daily basis can be so frustrating it makes me want to scream.
Life is different, I get it. Its never going to be the same and that hurts. Getting poked, prodded, countless test, procedures and office visits – that’s my life moving forward. I’m grateful that the outlook for my illness has improved greatly but dammit I just want ONE day – one day of no pain, a restful night’s sleep, the ability to eat what ever I wanted, or the ability to enjoy the outdoors without worrying about photosensitivity.
So there you have it… if you made it this far – thank you for letting me vent! I hope to not make a habit of it.
On a more positive note, my next entry is a work in progress as I’m researching a great new resource for lupies written by lupies! Check back soon!
Till next time…
2 comments:
I feel ur pain hun and as i read it i cried knowing that every word describes me and my feelings on an everyday basis. I pray for ya and I can honestly say i understand. Vent anytime u need to cuz i know and u will know there is always someone listening. Take care hun! Sincerly Melanie! Meme Mel Motta..
Thanks for allowing everyone a chance to see what a toll a chronic illness can take on you. I understand the horrible emotions that come with the realization that you never will be the same. I struggle with it daily. I understand your frustration and fatigue with "putting on a face," as I call it, to help you get through the days and perhaps make it easier on those who care about you. I think we're quite similar in that we want everyone to think all is great, but inside we are struggling more than anyone would know. As for the meds, the side effects (I have the exact sensitivity to temperature in my fingers and toes that you describe), the following med directions, and doctors' orders and never seeing improvement. It's horrible how hopeless and angry at your body that can make you feel.
While I am obviously not in your situation, I think I can very much emphathize and understand as much as anyone, everything you are going through ~ physically and emotionally. I'm actually surprised it took you this long to just "let it all out!" I still have those days all too often, as I deal with the post-transplant life that was never explained to me and all of the complications I already have.
I'd love to meet up at Starbucks, or for dinner or lunch ... or in Aisle 13 of Target :). You can yell, cry, laugh at how ridiculous everything is at this moment, or just talk.
The silver lining to the tragedies and horrible things that happen to us is that we often see for the first time how much our family, friends, coworkers, etc. care about us. You have the love and support of so many people, even though you may sometimes feel so alone. Remember you never are. This blog is proof positive of that.
Thinking of you and am true to my word - I'm here if you need me!
Hang in there,
Bri
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